The Oprah Interview Transcript is HERE!

OPRAH interviews world-famous cyclist about timely and controversial issues critical to the future of the sport!! This is the transcript! Right here!*

Oprah: This is an issue that is incredibly important to all Americans, really. Because you are, I mean, let’s just cut to the heart of the issue here, you are an idol to a lot of people. Are you blushing? Really, you represent an entire generation of athletes, and what it means to be a competitor, to be a professional cyclist. And some of that is being called into question.

KC: Well, I ah…I always start out by saying to people that yes, I am a professional cyclist. I am a professional athlete. But let’s be really clear – I want people to know the truth here – I don’t make money being a cyclist.

Oprah: No, that’s clear – we had to sew up three holes in your shirt and color your hair before we started recording.

KC: My hair is not colored. It wasn’t. Well, anyway, the truth is that neither I nor any of the women I race with make money at the sport. We do it for love. Look, all of us – we give up things like ice cream and cookies for all but two weeks out of every year. And it’s not because we’re trying to be skinny. The real reason is that we can’t afford to waste money on junk food! Well, that and we’re saving up for when the Keirin Cut jeans come out – it’ll be the first pair of pants most of us have bought in a long time. Keirin Cut Check them out.

Oprah: Well, I want to get right to the question which everyone is sitting here waiting for me to ask. Did you try to steal Katie Compton’s bike?

KC: I have never been charged with any crime.

Oprah: A lot of people seem to think you took her bike.

KC: Well, so let me tell you what’s really going on here. There was a bit of a mix-up at a cross race once. Somehow – and I have no recollection of how this could have happened, but apparently it did happen- I ended up with a muddy cross-frame with the initials “KFC” on the roof rack of my car. Katie and I have the same middle name, so that’s just honestly confusing, right? Like I said, I was not involved, only heard about it afterward – that she came through the pit for a bike exchange, and her mechanic handed her a beach cruiser with a squeaky bell on the handle bar and two completely flat tires.

Oprah: And that cost her the race, didn’t it?

KC: Actually, no. Even on a janky beach cruiser, Katie’s a force to reckon with.

Oprah: So let’s just give you the benefit of the doubt –

KC: No, really, I want to be clear. I was never charged with a crime. And you know, just last week, I donated my retirement accounts to a Boys & Girls Club with a bike-theft-prevention program. That ought to mature in about twenty years, and provide that program with about $113 a month. I am a philanthropist, you know. Love the kids. And their bike programs.

Oprah: Did you account for inflation and the fact that advances in bike thievery will seriously out-strip the value of your retirement account?

KC: I don’t really think that’s my problem. Katie got her bike back, I should add.

Oprah: Ah, so you have made amends and apologized to her.

KC: For what?

Oprah [puzzled look directly at the camera]: More after the break.

*This conversation, while completely entertaining, is totally made up. Which is to say, none of the words here were uttered by Oprah or me (except in proof-reading, when I find it helpful to read out-loud to my cat), and none of the events described actually happened.

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